Ah, the reactionary uncle. Swiller of uncrafted beer, holder of antiquated views and perennial straw man for woke cartoonists.Is there any trope more essential to political-anecdotes-that-definitely-happened ecosystem? Without our uncles around, we would be so lacking in stories ending with “I cannot even” that our Twitter timelines would be like devastated vineyards.

This character is best taken in moderate doses, like red wine. On occasions that risk prolonged exposure (such as Christmas day) the side effects of overconsumption can be all too familiar also. The loss of inhibition can lead to anger, shouting and the embarrassment of parental scolding for ruining the day.

So then, how does the earnest progressive survive Christmas with the reactionary uncle? Here are my four tips for getting through the excruciating experience of having to break bread with somebody who holds views different to yours. 

Search out advice online: For a long time now, a popular genre of US journalism has been the “How to survive Thanksgiving with your Republican relatives” article. As with all things American, the format is slowly making headway in New Zealand media too. 

Try looking up some of these by your favourite progressive sites and authors. Found some? Now add them to your browser favourites. 

Done? Good. Now you know never to read them or look at them again.

Accept you won’t win hearts and minds through confrontation: Before you start your “well, actually” anybody, try to think about what you are trying to achieve. If this person is as boorish as you say he is the chances he’s going to repent of his antediluvian ways because some smart-mouthed kid called him out in front of his family?

Does this mean surrendering? No. Here, I am going to let you into a little secret about negotiation. In any discussion, it’s actually the listener, not the talker, who holds the power. In most almost all cases, there’s no better way to discredit somebody’s argument than asking them, in a friendly and non-confrontational way, to explain it at length. 

Try it some time! Even if it doesn’t yield instant results, giving somebody the leeway to try to navigate the internal contradictions of their own opinions will usually plant a seed of doubt. You might also – just maybe – gain some new insight or perspective into the issue being discussed that leads you to modify your own views.

No reward without risk, I suppose.

Steer the conversation elsewhere: There are so many things in the world to talk about – and even argue about – that don’t involve politics. Do you have any hobbies? Try talking about those maybe.

If your hobby is “politics” then I am very sorry. Have you considered asking your uncle about some of his hobbies? Again, asking genuine and open questions can be a wonderful way to discover things about the world you never considered.  

Consider the log in your own eye: I know, it’s lame – not to mention problematic – to bring a religious reference into any discussion about Christmas – but hear me out.

How well do you really know your uncle? Sure he may vote for the New Zealand National Party and do other unbelievably far-right things that are practically tantamount to Nazism, but what’s he like at work? Maybe when it really counted, he really helped somebody out. Or stuck his neck out to do something that was right. Do you know?

And perhaps more importantly, do you really feel that you measure up to your own ideals? How much did you donate to charity last year? When somebody you didn’t know needed help, did you always rise to the occasion? Probably not, if you’re anything like me. We all fall short. 

Don’t tweet about how you “owned” him: This is your family. Even if you hide behind a pseudonym and there’s no chance you’ll ever be snapped for it, maybe try not using your uncle as an instrument of disparagement for favs and retweets. How would you feel if he trashed talked you in front of all his buddies? 

Probably pretty badly, I expect. Fortunately the chances are he doesn’t do that. Why do you?