In which the author tries his hand at satire. Results most definitely not guaranteed.
Auckland's new "party central" for the Rugby World Cup will be Prime Minister John Key's front lawn, it was revealed today.
The announcement was made at an impromptu news conference at Auckland airport as the Prime Minister returned to New Zealand from a four day visit to China. Appearing tired and emotional, he said that the idea came to him whilst he tried to best Trade Minister Tim Grosser's record for bourbon shots on a trans-Pacific flight.
"Tim's always boasting when he comes back from his international trips about how David Boon is the only person who could keep up with him", Key said. "I thought it was about time I exercised some leadership in the Cabinet."
The proposal to base Auckland's World Cup celebrations on a suburban lawn in Parnell is the latest twist in the "party central" saga. With the original venue of Queens Wharf ruled out due to Murray McCully's apparent inability to get anyone to agree with him about anything, Key previously had indicated he was looking at other options.
Nevertheless, the choice of his own front lawn came as something of a surprise. Asked whether he thought it could really accommodate the expected tens-of-thousands of people likely to attend the venue for each game, Key said; "Have you seen my house?"
"Seriously - have you seen it? You could hold Woodstock on my lawn, and you'd still have room for more. Hell, I'm not even sure where the bloody lawn ends!"
He went on to note that basing party central at his address would be a comparatively cheap solution, as security was already provided on-site.
"Plus I can get Bronagh and the kids to pass round some sausage rolls and chips, so that should keep catering costs down."
He also described himself as "relaxed" about having to clean up after each night's festivities, while he thought his neighbours would come around to the idea after "kicking its tires" for a while.
At the news conference, Key also answered questions about his trade talks with Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao.
"We'd actually prefer it if they stayed over there and just sent us their money", Key said. "Or they could visit here and give us their money. It's the giving us their money bit that really matters."
However, if the Chinese were determined to own New Zealand assets, he would be open to selling them Kiwibank or Russel Norman's internal organs.
"I'm aware that selling parts of living human beings is something that will be challenging to many New Zealanders", Key said. "But the reality is that our new overlords do things differently, and if we are going to catch Australia then it seems to me one way to do that is to sell them Australians."
Key finished the news conference by smiling and holding up a small stuffed Panda toy.
"Look at how cute it is! Told you I'd get one for Wellington."